My son has come a long, long way from where he started. At 3 he would have sudden and uncontrollable tantrums -- just out of nowhere - wham! Screaming, throwing himself on the floor, flinging everything in sight every which way. For no apparent reason, at least to me. I was always on edge, waiting, anticipating the next outburst.
We attended a special nursery for kids with autism, and things got a little better. I learned to anticipate some of the conditions that might set him off, and how to manage his outbursts better. I would have to remove him from the scene, hold him securely, and tell him his tantrum was "all finished". Those became the magic words. "All finished". Soon he would be sobbing in the midst of his meltdown, "All finished! All finished!"
As he got older, we were fortunate (for the most part) to have access to really good programs and teachers (god bless them!) in our district and out of district as well. He (and we) learned more ways to cope with the sudden explosions that seemed to mark Zac's days. "Use your words" became our new motto. Sometimes he did. Sometimes he didn't.
At this point, I adopted a saying that an autism dad in the nursery used: "Never let your guard down". It has proved invaluable. Because, just when you think you've got things under control. Just when you tell yourself he hasn't had a meltdown in weeks, and finally he's getting the Big Picture. Just when you're reaching around to pat yourself on the back, it happens. A call from school. A big scene in public. Banging and slamming at home. Whatever. It's like old times.
At any rate, you soldier on. You try new things. Some work, others don't. I honestly think that just the act of maturing helped in Zac's self control quite a bit. But I also see that even after all these years, there are those times when things don't go his way, or he has a big disappointment, his first reaction is to lose it. Thank the Lord it's not a falling on the floor, kicking and screaming fit. At 6 feet, 200 pounds that would not be pretty. Nowadays outbursts manifest themselves as huffing and puffing, maybe stamping his foot, a shout of disappointment or a quick storming around. Sometimes he will wail "Oh noooo!" Sharp words will usually bring him around.
And this I now see. In my frustration at his lack of self-control, I can see that it's not a conscience thing for him. He doesn't do this by choice. His initial reaction of anger is not one he chooses. This is just what happens to him. After years and years and years of classes and doctors and medications and social skills classes and whatever other therapies you can name, he can't help it. Even though he knows -- he knows this kind of reaction is inappropriate -- it just happens - Bam!
There has been progress. He has grown more tolerant of conditions that tax his patience. Waiting is still not one of his favorite things (but then, who does like to wait?) The outbursts usually last only a few seconds and he seems to shake himself out of it, is very apologetic. He knows this is not the right way to behave. But that initial zen moment of "doom" is still his go-to emotion. One that he still struggles to master.
And so, looking back to the earliest years, I can trace a path of progress. He is more aware of who he is, and his actions and their consequences. His efforts at self-control are, at times, heroic (at least to an impartial mother). He (and we) are forever learning and moving forward, and we will never stop. I am so very proud of him, and all he's accomplished. I look ahead to see what is next.
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