Have you ever been asked to recall a time in your life that was really, truly wonderful? Sometimes it's hard -- if you're lucky you've had a number of great moments. But I can really and truly recall a period of 4 weeks about 24 years ago when all was right in my world.
I was a new mother. My son was just about 3 months old, and I was finally beginning to feel like I had this parent thing figured out. I was visiting my parents in Illinois (my mom had come out at the birth, but this would be the first time my dad would see Zachary), and this was my first plane trip with a baby. Side note: The plane trip alone was a big accomplishment for me -- I had been dealing with claustrophobia and panic attacks in closed spaces. But after the birth, I figured I could handle anything! My discomfort had disappeared.
My husband and I were staying for a week. And it was the best. First of all, it was May, and it was a wonderful time of year. Everything was greening up, the fields were getting green, the skies were so blue and went on forever. I found I had really missed my hometown since moving to New York. It was peaceful and calm and open. My mom and I would go to lunch with Zac in his carrier, and he was such a good baby! At 3 months they're still I to sleeping a lot, so it was great!
At the end of the week I couldn't bear to leave! Hubby had to go back to work, but we decided that I would stay on for a while, which turned out to be another 3 weeks. They were the most wonderful 3 weeks ever! My parents loved their new grandson (I think they had practically given up hope of grandchildren in their future). My mom worked her culinary magic and made all my favorite dishes. I got to show off my baby boy to all my friends and the neighbors and practically the whole town. Shades of Norman Rockwell, there was even a band concert on the town square every Friday night, complete with a beautiful fountain, illuminated with changing lights. I would take endless walks down tree-shaded streets, feeling so at home and at peace. It was perfect.
In Zachary's first year I took him to Illinois about every 3 months, staying a month each time. It was always great fun, and I always hated leaving, but that first time still stays with me as the best time in my life. The stars were aligned that first time. Spring was at it's best that time. I spent my first Mother's Day there. Those days will always bring a smile to my face, and a deep feeling of peace, love, well-being and happiness.
Happy Mothers Day.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Another Year Gone
My baby celebrated another birthday this week -- his 24th. And even though he's 6 feet tall and weighs 250 pounds, he'll always and forever be my little boy!
I find that birthdays seem more like the time to stop and take stock than New Year's. And even though my son continues to sail through his life with no real reflection ( that I can see, anyway), here I am once again, worrying about his future and what is in store for him. Always with the feeling that I haven't done enough, am not NOW doing enough, to secure a happy, productive and loving place for my boy in this world.
I know I'm not alone in this constant state of self-doubt. Reading the Facebook pages and blogs of other parents in the same position as I am shows me this is true. All parents have this concern, I think, but parents of kids with disabilities have it in spades. Does it ever end? So far, no end in sight.
I don't want to get into details. We all have our own personal "to do" lists we carry around with us. We have recently taken a tentative step towards getting him steady employment, so that's a good feeling. Hope it pans out. Getting him settled in a place of his own, with some degree of support, is my own personal #1 thing to do. It haunts me every day. Where will he live? Who will be there for him when I no longer can be?
Yeah, I'm a chipper person to be around on birthdays. Truthfully, I do enjoy them, and I always look with pride at my kids and what they've accomplished over a year's time. And with my daughter my thoughts aren't quite so desperate. She will figure things out. But Zac? I just don't know.
So here's to another year gone by. And here's to the year ahead. May we all find our way just a little bit further down that road of life, and all that it brings.
I find that birthdays seem more like the time to stop and take stock than New Year's. And even though my son continues to sail through his life with no real reflection ( that I can see, anyway), here I am once again, worrying about his future and what is in store for him. Always with the feeling that I haven't done enough, am not NOW doing enough, to secure a happy, productive and loving place for my boy in this world.
I know I'm not alone in this constant state of self-doubt. Reading the Facebook pages and blogs of other parents in the same position as I am shows me this is true. All parents have this concern, I think, but parents of kids with disabilities have it in spades. Does it ever end? So far, no end in sight.
I don't want to get into details. We all have our own personal "to do" lists we carry around with us. We have recently taken a tentative step towards getting him steady employment, so that's a good feeling. Hope it pans out. Getting him settled in a place of his own, with some degree of support, is my own personal #1 thing to do. It haunts me every day. Where will he live? Who will be there for him when I no longer can be?
Yeah, I'm a chipper person to be around on birthdays. Truthfully, I do enjoy them, and I always look with pride at my kids and what they've accomplished over a year's time. And with my daughter my thoughts aren't quite so desperate. She will figure things out. But Zac? I just don't know.
So here's to another year gone by. And here's to the year ahead. May we all find our way just a little bit further down that road of life, and all that it brings.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)